Sometimes……….when people say they are sorry…………they don’t mean it, you know. It’s like they just don’t care. Like everything else is better and more important than your feelings. They don’t understand how much hurt and broken you feel, when they don’t mean it. It is like the whole world is crashing down beside you and the only thing that keeps you standing is your body. Your mind is already gone, Just your body. Standing there waiting to break down. Cave in. Just totally be torn apart. Be destroyed. And what are you going to do about it. What are you going to do about that feeling. Because it feels like nothing is going to change. And then you come up with the idea to use give up. Just stop the madness yourself. Making an end to all of it. How? Well you fill it in.
I have felt like this for a long time. And sometimes it just comes back in the most weirdest ways. The only thing that is so wrong with this is that nobody knows. Nobody knows I have starved myself and sometimes still try to do. That I have self-harmed more than once in my life. Nobody knows. Because I am afraid of reactions. Of weird looks. Of disappointment to my family and friends. That is why I keep it for myself and why I just smile and tell I am okay. When in real life I am not.
I just came out to my friends that I suffer from light panic attacks once in a while and that I don’t feel well all the time. A big step for me. But that is not even the worst. I think I’ll always keep the rest to myself.
Since I started writing this blog, I feel like I can write al my problems of off me. What I can’t or don’t want to talk about, I write about. And believe me it takes a lot of weight of my shoulders.
I once blogged about being proud. That the most smallest things can make you proud. And for me it really works. I don’t think I would be typing this blog right now if it had not helped me.
All I think I actually want to say is: Don’t let anybody get you down like things did to me. Keep going because it will end alright. Never give up!
I once needed to write a little story about myself and seeing myself as a leader to kids, for under a photo of me and a kid. And this is what I wrote:
Do you see that girl on the photo there? She has a whole future in front of her. A future where everything is possible. Where she can develop in so many different ways. Despite the fact that she still has a whole future in front of her, she has also already been through a lot. Happy things, sad things. However she smiles every day and lets every now and then a tear. sometimes she just wants to give up, but besides that she also has a lot of good days, where nothing or nobody can destroy her. That girl knows what she wants. She knows what she wants with her future. She is sometimes afraid to tell that to others but she will never do something she doesn’t want to. That girl wants to help others. Give others the same future like she sees hers. Want to help others in their development. She wants everybody to know, that after every rain shower is sunshine. That you never should give up and always make your dreams come true. We don’t dream for nothing. She also wants to says that everything will be alright in the end because if it is not okay it is not yet the end. That girl knows it all so well. Trust me, because that girl, is me.
Just never give up!
For now I sign off.
SoZing stops Zinging x